My relationship with our OLD dog

Ok, before I start with this rant, I need you to know a few things about Dog.

First, his name really is Dog, yeah, sometimes we call him Max, but for the first few years he was with us his names were: Lucky, Thumper, Dog, Pestilence, Max.... the list goes on. Nothing really stuck. Well, now we just call him Old Man. Trust me, its the only name that really fit. He's like 14 years old (98 in dog years).

Second, he's a bit ornery on occasion like, when I don't have food, when I'm not my mom, when I tell him to come inside... when he farts and leaves the room. Yeah, seriously, he does that and THEY STINK BAD.

With all of those things, you gotta love him. He still acts like a puppy when you take him out... he jumps totally defying gravity considering he's half cow. You have to laugh at him when you ask him to do something and he looks at you like YOU are crazy... I swear, he has no idea that he's a dog. He even fights with my little sister for affection when my mom is in the room then gives her the evil eye when she wins.

Getting to my point: Old Man has been sleeping in my room. Yes, his farts do stink but thankfully he doesn't do them as much because he can't leave the room either. He'll jump on my bed so that I can pet him (which I swear I'm afraid he's going to break something everytime he does it). Well, one evening I was petting his massively protruding belly. (so what if we feed him too much? he's old and deserves to live his life in a fatty bliss!) I notice that he has this bump... I'm like, how have I not noticed that? I touch it and it doesn't seem to hurt him, but it looks like a hernia. One of my previous puppies had one and it was in the same place.

I, of course, do what any sane person would do, I told my mom. She's worried and now i'm worried... he hasn't shown any symptoms and I remember my dad's hernia hurting him so I'm a bit worried about taking him to the vet. It's like a mile, maybe two walk. Well, if you know my dog, he LOVES to pee on everything that will prove he is still a male as virile as ever. I'm a little freaked out because I want to take him in but my mom needs to work and really, I should be able to get him there, even if we walk slowly. My mom and me agree that he hasn't been acting out of the ordinary... then bam! OMIGOD he could have cancer. WHAT? He can't have cancer! He's my dog! he's a survivor- THERE ARE FOUR LIGHTS!!! (star trek reference). I'm like trying not to freak out and start thinking - it HAS to be a hernia, he's fat and does shit no fat dog should do.

So I walk the poor dear and he starts running. Ok, last time I walked him, he practically collapsed in the neighbor's yard from heat exhaustion and I felt guilty about that. NOW i'm FREAKING out that he's going to pull something and hurt himself even more. Seriously, how fast can a fat dog run...? wow, jiggly fast. I'm like, I should let him run, he could be dying... seriously, he's 98, fat and might have cancer, if I could give him balls back I would so he could live it up.

I finally get him to the vets office and go to show her the hernia/cancer. I put him on the table and the little fucker won't show her his belly. She finally sees it but he is fighting for all he's worth (which considering my size, and his size... he's got a chance). Well, we call the other the lady in and we have to PIN him to the table. I look at his poor face and his eyes are so wide that it's like he's about to get hit by a car. My heart is in my throat.

The vet starts looking at it and then pushes it and touches it... you know in that doctor way... "hmmm.... it jiggles this way, it jiggles that way... it's still connected and under the skin... maybe if I pinch it, it'll just pop..."

And she goes, "ok, you can let him go" and I'm like "ok, doc, give it to me - i'm almost 28 I can handle it... just hand me a tissue." I'm expecting at least a surgery: hernia, exploratory, death.

Doc: "Max is fat"

(silence)
Me: "Yeah, I know, what is that thing?"
Doc: "It's fat. It's a fat ball, they get kinda hard sometimes..."
Me: "It's not a hernia, or cancer?"
Doc starts laughing: "Ummm... no, it's just fat."

Well, great.

I was preparing myself ALL day. Trying to figure out how to break it to my mom, my dad, my sisters... how I was going to feed him chocolate, make some ribs JUST for him. I was going to give him a beer or the good whiskey so he could see what it felt like to be a real man...

nope. he's not dying. He's just a farty, fatty cow.

Why being a girl is hard

I'm sick and tired of the battle of the sexes and how guys are like, girls get it easy... etc. The reason I was thinking about this is because I was waxing. Yes, Hair on girls is apparently disgusting... Why do I do it? Because I'm used to it. Because I fall into the social norms of what is pretty. I will say though, I'll wax any guys hoo-hoo and that'll be enough for you to just get over the battle of the sexes. Trust me. It's not because you have more hair that it's painful. In fact, the skin gets numb after awhile. In case you are wondering how painful it can be, check out 40 year old virgin when all he did was his nipple.

I'll start with the few things that guys say girls get away with:
1) Speeding tickets - I will have to say this one is true because of the one time I got away with it. However, this will be null and void later. And no I did NOT cry...

Picture this: I'm driving along in Speedy (which for those of you that remember, my 1981 green volvo, yes older than me) and the tail lights are out. I had NO idea. Cop behind me. There goes the sirens... freakin great. Cop pulls up and my registration - NO JOKE - two years out of date. How did that happen? It was my dad's car, and he LEFT the country... I do end up crying to my dad who honestly made me feel worse.... not in front of the cops though.

Copper: License and registration please.
Me: Here...
Copper: This is like two years out of date...
Me: WHAT?! Are you serious? Are you freakin serious?!? This is my DAD's car, he lives in Romania - he didn't update the registration?!?! Omigod...
Copper: Yeah... I'll be right back. (Copper goes back to talk to his buddy - something is up I can tell. Copper returns.)
Copper: Is this you?
Me: Yes.
Copper: Umm... are you really 4'8''?
Me: Yeah, really.
Copper: Wow...
ME: Would you like me to step out of the car officer?
Copper: Really?! If you wouldn't mind....
I step out of the car, do a little turn. Copper turns to his buddy and points at me, and the buddy starts laughing. I'm thinking, "I'm getting a ticket and being made fun of, this tops one of the best days ever...."
Copper: Wow, thanks. Ummm... I'm going to let you off easy. I'm just going to say this was a non-traffic violation but we've got to leave first k?
Me: really? yeah, ok.

This has nothing to do with me being female and everything to do with my carnie height.

2) Ladies night. Really guys. Let's be honest. In the whole animal kingdom, the guys are supposed to be impressing us. This at least gives us free drinks, while you strut your stuff. You don't have to BUY us drinks. We still have to wear high heels, make-up and shave. You don't even have to shave.

3) Paid maternity leave - I will kill anyone who says we don't deserve this... Stretch your special parts to the point they rip and an alien comes out.... you'd need some time too.

4) Girls get laid easier. Ummm, yeah. Because if something should happen, we are going to have 9 months to regret it and a child that looks like YOU. You had better look good. If I have to primp... yeah YOU had better too.

If you want, I'll wax your nipple for free. :)

I'm inappropriate

Nothing particular happened today. I was just reflecting on my life... and well, I think I'm managing to alienate people here more so than normal. I forget that sometimes I just say things that are well, not normal.

I'm open. I can talk about depression, sex and serial killers without batting an eye. Hell, I talk about my period and guys FREAK out. What? I know you have morning wood... you know I bleed (ok, menses), what the hell is the difference if we talk about it? The problem is not that I can, but on occasion, I do. Those are some topics, but really, I think its my reactions that get me in trouble MOST of the time. I mean, honesty is supposed to be the best policy.... Seriously. I'm not scared.

OK, remember Karaoke night with Dev (refer to that blog if you don't), I had a good time. I asked Dev if we could go earlier and he said yeah, so we were heading out. Well the strangers I made friends with at the bar, were like, "WHAT? You're going home! Why are you going home so early? That's so gay."
ME: "I'm going home to have sex with my boyfriend." Yup, I said it - try me.
Guy: "TMI!!! Omigod, TMI!" (too much info)
Me: "Then why did you ask and then give me shit if you didn't want me to tell you?" You're lame not me.

or that time (in the previous blog again) that the 6 yr old kid asked me about if the dog carrier would protect the dog if the airplane crashed, and I practically said no, we'd all die.

Or the time that I was teaching pre-school, and a 2 yr old little girl noticed her "jewel" if you will:
Thumblina: what is that?
Me: That's where you go pee.
Thumblina: NO! What is that? (now pointed to her vagina)
*well, my mom never used fun little words, she always said it was better to say the anatomically correct way
Me: "That's your vagina"
Thumblina: oh, ok.

Now, I had to tell my supervisor just in case I have expanded this little girl's vocabulary a bit much. And she said, "why didn't you just say private parts?!?!?"

oh. Yeah. That would've worked too.

Now, I get sometimes that I'm inappropriate in my advice even if I don't know someone. Seriously, I mean I can't tell you how often I say, "no glove, no love" to people I have met that night at a bar. (NOT for me, for OTHERS). I figure even if it works one time, the guy or girl might think, "wow, that short girl just kept me from getting Herpes." and YES I did save you from getting swollen blisters on your hoo-hoos.

Hell, I even get the nickname Debbie Downer on occasion. When someone (USED to anyway) asks, "what do you do for a living?" I said, "I work in an outpatient mental health facility." "Wow, so you deal with some crazy people, huh?" "no, not really.... I mean I've only had to call the cops a few times, and only once did someone threaten me with bodily harm..."

Or the worst thing ever is when someone is joking and I come up with a fun fact that well is NOT fun. Imagine this guy just sitting there waiting for his girlfriend at a bar. Having a nice little drink and me sitting there next to him-
Guy: "Man, sometimes I could just kill my girlfriend"
Me: "50% of men in jail who killed women, killed their partners, and 2/3 of women fatally shot were by their, you guessed it, partners" Yeah, he was really going to guess...
Now uncomfortable Guy: "yeah, I gotta go"

I don't mean to do it.

Or the biggest thing is that I'll tell stories about me (you know the kind... so there I was...), in front of GOD FORBID my mother. Dude, she thinks I'm funny. Who cares if I'm telling a story of the first time I saw an anal plug the size of a can of coke? Or when I thought I had breast cancer when I finally started growing boobs... or how I explained "69" to my mom.... yeah, people I did that. Because I love my mother, and to keep up with jokes, she needs to know these things.

Seriously, I told the "shit-girl story" at Miller's Ale house to a bunch of House Representatives... with hand motions and running...

All I'm saying is, when did honesty and important facts become impolite? I mean, I LIKE to hear about things that make some people uncomfortable. I'm serious when I want to hear about your ex-girlfriend, or that time you shit your pants in third grade... I like hearing about the crap that went on in your life to make you YOU. We all have these stories...

(yeah, I used to be able to fart on cue - NOT kidding. And they stunk, but one time, I was a little sick and Yell came home and wanted me to do it, she was always seeing if she could catch me once NOT being able to do it, and I almost shit my pants... that's the end of the fart story and me "trying" to fart on cue. Ask Yell, she'll tell you I could.)

See? it's funny. Disgusting - but doesn't it just make you see a little bit more about me. :)

Haters vs. Bitches

So, I'm sitting in a coffee shop examining my existence drinking a chai latte grooving to the coffee shop music.... and I come to the conclusion: I really hate bitches.

You might not know the difference between bitches and haters so I'll tell you.

I must, of course, disclose that I am a hater. I come from a long line of haters so it is 2nd nature to me. Hell, my best girlfriends (and some guy friends) are haters as well. It doesn't mean they are outright mean - they just hate on shit. If you haven't noticed by now, you are truly misguided by my upbeat personality. I must also say, my hater-vision turns off for those less fortunate. Yes I'm a bleeding heart hater. It does make sense.
See, haters hate. If you dress like an idiot, you are going to be hated on, because you DRESS LIKE AN IDIOT. If you are dressing skanktastic, well please expect that people (like myself) will think you are a skank. Haters are straightforward for the most part. We don't really need a "good" reason, but most of the time, the reasons are still pretty funny:

I'm hating because:
1) she has no idea that her ass looks like cottage cheese in those shorts
2) he hasn't seen a dentist in a decade
3) he freakin wishes he was Nick Lachey (this could mean all sorts of things, but its still a bit scary)
4) she doesn't own a razor
My personal favorite
5) she has no idea what Ann Taylor is... seriously.

Now- bitches. Bitches are those girls who hang out with each other and seriously can't do anything without their BFFs. They are the ones that go in pairs to the bathroom for no reason. (Guys straight-up, I hardly ever take a partner to pee. If I do, its to talk shit, most likely about you or the bitch you are with... because i'm a hater. So go ahead, be paranoid. You deserve to be.)

Bitches make the new girls feel bad for being alive and they usually gang up on others. Kind of like a wolf pack taking down whatever they eat. Bitches don't look at you directly and usually talk to everyone AROUND you; or in most cases, talk to the guys in the group and ignore the girls. I get it, you are territorial - if you peed on a guy, I totally would let you have him... seriously if you pop a squat, he's ALL YOURS. That's dedication - I would totally give in and leave.

OH!! the most annoying thing about bitches, they like sit there and text each other at the table when people are right there... OMIGOD, you'd think they would have gotten over it in high school but no, they somehow got stunted there and guys, I'm ashamed to say - you let it continue. Girls, every girl has a bit of bitch in her, and will not hang out with bitches for very long. Oh, and they aren't always pretty or popular - sometimes they might just be the only girls around... still, I'd prefer to play Mario Bros. on Nintendo BY MYSELF, which I do - instead of sacrificing my wit to the witless.

This brings me to my story. I hate some girls over here. One guy I was talking to said, "Are you one of those girls who hate all girls?" Since I was inebriated, I could not explain my theories and conclusions eloquently without sounding like a bitch. Well, I am still a hater, so I said what was on my mind, "I just hate THOSE bitches."

I'm sure he got it... right.
Hey bitches, if you are reading this: Haters know you hate them too. We just don't give a shit.

Now, if you are still having trouble separating the two:
1) Bitches aren't funny or witty. Fuck them.
2) Bitches = drama queens. Haters = don't give a shit.
3) Bitches talk shit to each other and are petty.
4) Haters talk shit and will throw down. And here's a colorful example:

There was a McDonald's fiasco at Yon's bachelorette party that involved two of my other sisters fighting with this random European guy for cutting in line. It went a little like this:
(Len played by Tyra Banks, Yell played by Naomi Campbell) Fade out***

Fade in to McDonald's at 4 am***

All of us are in line waiting to order our delicious treats. 3 of us go through and Naomi is not paying attention. Thankfully her great little sister Tyra is paying attention.... 2 guys try to play cuts-ies.

Tyra: Just so you know, I saw you just cut in line in front of my sister. You did it because she's drunk and that is so rude, but whatever - go ahead and order.
Pathetic random douche: No... i mean, you can go, I didn't know you were in line...
Tyra: no, just go ahead, really. You need your damn hamburger.
PRD: No, it's ok...
Tyra: It's ok for my sister to get back in the place she was supposed to be before you cut her in line? Thank you so much.
PRD's friend tries to jump in....
Tyra: You are from Europe right? Stay out of this.
PDR: There's no reason to get so aggressive, why are you being such a bitch?
Uh, oh... Naomi has just found out that there are some loud voices and someone is starting to bitch at her little sister... I am eating some delicious french fries... just watching this happen.
Naomi: Did you just call her a bitch? OH NO SIR! You are not allowed to yell at my sister! What are you 40? What kind of asshole yells at a young girl? What are you an idiot virgin? That's it you are a virgin...

Ok, now Naomi is getting in his face, and Tyra as well as the rest of the crew pull her away without her treats (I had to give her some of mine) while Naomi's still screaming, "PATHETIC 40 yr old VIRGIN!!!!"

***fade out

Yeah that really happened. I'm just saying, haters will throw down. I've had one of my sisters almost kill an ex's new gf who showed up at a party that he was NOT invited to and told NOT to come (she backed down, hence no bloodshed). I've made two of my cheerleading squads cry for being bitches... (seriously - I'm not proud but don't ASK me why I'm getting upset if you DON'T want to hear it... I'll tell you and if you cry, that's your problem.)

All I'm saying is that I hate bitches and don't mess with Haters.
Haters usually don't start the fight, but we'll damn well finish it.

Yeah, I'm 4'8''. It don't matter. :)