WHAT just happened?

So there I was surrounded.... by dogs in my living room. Yes, there are four. My roomie (bro-in-law), my friend (we'll call Doll face) and me are sitting in the living room wasting our time in front of the TV. This normally would not be an issue but WAIT it's Friday night (cue that terrible Friday song by that Black girl)

You: Oh no! Theen has gone racist.
Me: No I haven't, it's her last name..... assholes. Feel ashamed.

Going on. So I'm like, let's call everyone we know! This is how it went down:

Doll face: Everyone I know is out of town... and that's like 3 people.
Roomie: I called everyone we know.... and that's like three people.
Me: Dammit, you guys are the only ones I really hang out with... and those three people. We have no friends....
Roomie: Wait, I'll see what Frat boy is up to....
Me: I should probably find out if he hooked up with my sister too....

Seriously, it went down like that.

So we decided to hang out with him and his med. school buddies before they have no life and their testicles disappear into their bodies for lack of use. I drive there. I have a 32 oz plastic cup filled with vodka cran. We meet the med. school buddies and we hit it off. It was a good time - uh oh, shots. Espresso vodka 100 proof.

Now, I'm a fan of a lot of things, but in my old age, shots my kryptonite.





Yeah, so that didn't stop me.

Well, we decide to head off to the bar and what? Frat boy is in my car? Hey Frat boy, are you hooking up with my sister? ...Oh no I didn't... yes, yes I did. He was stuck in my car trying to figure out what to say and I'm debating if waterboarding works. He tries to text my sister to get their stories straight and what do I do? I ninja myself to the backseat and attack him to get his phone away so that he screws up and ends up telling me everything that happened.

Well, it was a disappointment.

Eh, at least my bf called me to tell me that he was driving in tonight. (this is relevant later)

Anyway, so we get to the club and we parked. There were a bunch of young men (16-21) sitting on a stoop, watching people go by... very 227 throwback (remember that show?) And I get into a conversation with this 16 year old young man, who was telling me he could show me a good time... serial.

My thought process: You are 16. You barely have pubic hair much less the experience to show me a "good time". You can't even drink or get into a bar/restaurant after 10:00pm by yourself... don't you have some video game or some other awkward encounter that you could be utilizing?

Moving along, I have no cash (I am cash poor... all poor really), what is a girl to do? I honestly only plan on getting one drink because as custom, I stop and talk to the guys that buy me drinks because I figure they bought a drink worth of my time. No ladies, I don't get them to buy me a drink and walk off... that's bitchy. If it is a terrible conversation, I can down my drink and be done with it. Win-win.

I had a random couple of fellows buy me and my friend a drink but wait, shots? Again? ok.

Now, from here on in, I'm screwed. Dollface is flirting, I'm staring at some hot guy on the dance floor (who was a baby unfortunately,) and then BAM!

TIME TO DANCE DANCE DANCE.... uh oh. Who's wearing four inch heels? This girl. Dammit, and I can't dance because my motor movements have slowed with the alcohol, lack of practice, and lack of balance on stilts.... (no, I didn't fall, BARELY). So y'know that girl that thinks she's dancing awesome because she's drunk but really it just swaying and trying not to fall... this girl.

We hop on to another club where I was carried by my Roomie. MY FEET HURT, I COULD'VE WALKED IF I WANTED TO! Dollface is getting hit on all night, and I'm just drinking catching up on missed conversation and you wouldn't believe what came next!

Are you guessing that I randomly puked? hahahah... NO.

I had a walk-by tonguing...

You: WHAT?!
Me: yes.

No, it's not a word but it should be... This guy apparently stood behind me, and I guess I thought it was my roomie because I didn't notice. Dollface was getting suspicious of this guy and realized, a bit too late, that he had other ideas. This guy literally grabbed my face, kissed me and walked away.

Now, because I was slightly inebriated, my reaction time was slow. NO, i didn't not think the guy kissing me WAS my roomie, because ewww... gross... that's like kissing your brother. ***shivering****gag***shiver****

But I kinda stood there, and guess what? My Roomie saw it and nearly beat me to death in the club. He was wasted, and I was wasted and here's what went down:

Roomie: DUDE, WHAT THE HELL?
Me: DUDE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT JUST HAPPENED!
Roomie: DUDE, YOU MADE OUT WITH A RANDO!? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
Me: DUDE, HE GRABBED MY FACE AND MADE ME!
Roomie: WHAT? HOW THE HELL DOES THAT HAPPEN, HE JUST GRABBED YOUR FACE? UH GROSS, YOU TOTALLY KISSED HIM
Me: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT JUST HAPPENED? REALLY, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE!
Roomie: YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE AND YOU KISSED HIM? DUDE, THAT'S THE SLUTTIEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL NIGHT.
Me: HE'S THE SLUT ASSHOLE, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT JUST HAPPENED!

(Yup, we were screaming at each other and it went on and on.... hey, the music was loud and we were drunk, really you expected a grown up conversation?) Well, we finally stopped bickering because we weren't getting answers from each other and Dollface decided to keep me on a short leash because apparently Rando-makeout-guy was flying around me like a vulture, and I didn't even know what he looked like. He had a blue shirt.

We end up leaving after another shot... i think. And we get outside. Now, I'm NOT driving, Dollface is good to go, and Roomie is three sheets to the wind. We get to the car and I hear a coin fall and ignore it.

Dollface recap: Meanwhile, behind me my roomie has DROPPED his wedding band and it rolled somewhere. Three people saw it fall and everyone just stared at the floor. Dollface is like, oh shit, no one is going to find it. So she pushes me into the car and hurries over to the three guys stupidly standing there hoping it'll hop up and show itself, when she finds the ring. Thank goodness because I do remember a rain gutter being right by the car... why? Because I am a well trained machine and if I had an emergency vomit fest, I know where the exits are.

On the LONG drive home, I'm singing and hiccuping, Roomie falls asleep with his head on his chest sitting up and Dollface is ready to throw us in traffic. (TUCK AND ROLL GRANDMA.)

We finally get home. All of a sudden like the energizer bunny got a hold of some crack, Roomie wakes up and walks across the street, seriously he thought he was walking straight... into our neighbor's yard.

Y'know how people talk about those crazy neighbors who are glad they don't live right next door to.... yeah, we do. HE has cameras OUTSIDE HIS HOUSE?! TO WATCH AND MAKE SURE DOGS DON'T POOP IN HIS YARD! It would not surprise me if he had a painting with eyeholes in his house. Well Roomie walks over to his place and SWEARS it is his house. Dollface is like, "No, don't go over there! Roomie, Roomie - seriously, that's not your car...." He's standing there, readying himself to puke and BAM! it hits him. This is not his car, this is not his yard, this is across the street at the crazy neighbors house... and he almost puke in his YARD! Really, it's so satisfying to watch someone realize that they just saved their own life by the decision they just made. *JUST SAY NO*

We get him home, he comes in, grabs a trash bag and heads upstairs... I wake up my bf and hop in the shower. He asks me how my night was and I was so guilty about the walk-by tonguing I totally told him everything. I don't remember his reaction, but I know that he stopped brushing his teeth at one point and looked at me weird.

All in all, it was a good night sans the rando-makeout-guy.

This should go as a lesson to all of you.
1. Have a DD. They will save your life from crazy neighbors.
2. No shots unless you are willing to pay the price of finding ALL the exits before you step into my car.
3. Walk-by-makeout sessions are NOT OK.

Oh, and feed your dog, they don't care how you get home, what you did, or how you smell. Their expectations for you are low already.

Love sucks

So there I am surrounded by rom-com trailers... and I realize something. This is bullshit.

Yeah, I said it and I'll say it again!

I'm a FAN - a huge fan of romance novels... not even kidding. I like romance novels with strong female characters and stupid boys. So what? But if I have to watch another nicholas sparks movie, so help me GOD, I'm going to rip off his head and fill it with jelly. I don't want to see real life love - it sucks, I know it. Anyone who's dated knows it, why would i want to WATCH it on the big screen? I get tension, I get issues, but seriously...

I spent a glorious weekend with my baby sister and we sat and watched "The Notebook" the freaking quintessential romance movie for those blubbery-faced fools who like to cry at movies... I don't hate it because it's not a good story. I hate it because all you see is THEIR LOVE. The beginning I like...

BUT Dude, *spoiler alert* her mom is a major bitch that hid 365 LETTERS from her daughter! then the main character just forgives her because she said she was sorry! THEN she dumps her fiance to follow her heart... dude, she lied to her fiance, then she cheated on her FIANCE, THEN he totally just lets her go and you don't see the part about how they have to get their deposits back, or how he's off crying, or how her friends are going to react to her cheating/leaving... then she's got Alzheimer's, and he's literally dying of a broken heart?!?! How is this a fucking feel good romance story? because they DIE TOGETHER?!

If you say it's sweet, I'll find you and force you to eat as much mayonnaise as I can stuff in your mouth - it's depressing.

All romantic comedies/dramas seem to have an air of lying... so far from what I've seen or something SO out of left field that it is unbelievable OR ends badly.
1. Ten things I hate about you - Lies (but i actually like this movie because the girl is a bitch)
2. How to loose a guy in ten days - Lies (and fucked up)
3. Pretty woman - a whore that wins a millionaires heart? "Mommy I want to be a streetwalker")
4. Simply Irresistible - uh, magic
5. Brokeback Mountain - hello Death. (yes, this is a story of romance you homophobic jerkheads)
6. Titanic - Dies
7. the graduate - steals the bride
8. Casablanca - Freaking LEAVES....
9. Corina corina/Othello/O - racial tension and this is the WORST kind... poke me in the eyes lemon drops... I feel so terrible that most of the time I'll never watch it again.
10. Romeo and Juliet - BOTH die.

Whatever, I can go on and on, so I looked-up some movies, top 50 based on the New York times... guess what?

Our generation doesn't have that many listed. And it makes totally sense. Our version of love is like Snookie in South Park banging everything in sight.

Action films, I get the tension. You're about to die - you want to have sex - I see it as a natural progression... Sci-fi movies, it's weird to begin with and I'm totally into it. I'm just sick of love being in the air and all over television when I want to see something that makes more sense. The only movie I can think of that fills my romance need without my gag reflex is When Harry Met Sally. It showed the progression, the pain of breaking up, then heartache, but it didn't show death, destruction of a life, or magic. It showed to smart ass people getting along.

Now, I tell you. WHY are these movies grossing so much money? I know why guys hate them, now ladies, as much as you want to believe, why are you paying $11 to see a movie you can just rewatch on the Bachelor? (I also hate that show)

Urgh... sorry to all my readers. I'm just not feeling the love today.