You are supposed to work out at a gym, right?

Apparently, not always is the right answer.
I walked into the gym today with my capri workout pants and a t-shirt. I do feel that majorly short shorts are not in my workout routine anymore, mainly because I use machines more and your ass sticking to the seat sucks.

ANYWAY, I walk in with my soon-to-be-nemisis. Why? She's like 40-50 years old, truly, I can't tell. She wears hot pink (always) with make-up with her hair down and goes straight to the eliptical machine. Since I've been gone I didn't know but apparently hot pink is THE color to wear at the gym for older ladies. Seriously. All old ladies wear pink, obnoxious pink. Fun FACT: teenagers wear black (they must continue to show rebellion while conforming to gym standards) and normal work-out chicks wear clothes that look like they've been doing this for awhile, by that I mean they look like they are there to rock and roll not pose for playboy. Going on to my lady in pink, I think she probably is nice. She smiles ALL the time, at other people, at herself in the mirror. But I find myself studying her in between my reps because she seriously poses while walking on the eliptical and checks herself out. She is WALKING on it for like 40 min AND not sweating. AT ALL. Mayhaps she feels it would wreck her hair. The more I look at her, the more I just don't like her species procreating. I mean, she's the modern version of Narcissus. Ok, she might have a reason to walk for 40 min, maybe she has a limp, and maybe it's the only exercise she can do for right now, but Picture this, she DROPS her right shoulder and puffs out her chest and swings her hair EVERYTIME she looks in the mirror. It is FREAKING unnecessary. We all laugh at you and wonder why you waste your money on a gym membership when you should just get yourself a webcam and video tape yourself watching tv.

Another thing I don't understand, while it doesn't completely annoy me, I just feel bad for these women (and maybe some men) who waste their time. I watched a girl and her mother walk in, she might have been 17... mom was about 40 but looked WAY older and both slightly overweight. Good for them coming into the gym with each other for support. Wait, they did one revolution on some machines (ONE- one exercise each) and walked for 10 minutes and left. (Insult to injury they took one of my machines WHILE I was doing my intervals so I had to switch up... it's ok, I survived.) They were doing weights that were less than mine (yes, I'm buff but I'm also little) and did not even break a sweat either. I wanted to go over and say, NO use the 10 lb weight so you'll at least build more muscle and burn more calories if you are going to only do this once.... and the poor 17 year old was afraid to be by a machine by herself. I TOTALLY understand that. If you don't know what the hell the machine does, you are pretty sure it will eat you and spit out your bones. But her mom wasn't helping and I wanted to take pity on her and show her how but she never left her mom's side... it was kind of a "are-you-my-mother?" moment.

I'm not knocking people for going to the gym, that in itself is hard, i get it. I HATE going myself but I love my abs. I'm also at an age where I'm spending money going to this place I might as well take advantage.... but I mean, if you are going to get dressed, grab all your shit, drive there, and get on a freaking treadmill... go for sweating like a pig.

NO you will not get hit on there (most likely if you look like me at the gym "NOT NOW CHIEF, I'M IN THE FUCKING ZONE"), but you will look good in your jeans next time you go out and hell, put some sour cream on your taco and don't feel bad about it.

Oh and for those ladies who go soley to look at the guys working out, be aware:
1) If they have rocking hard bodies, they go there ALOT AND if they date you, they will still go there WITHOUT you. Meaning, expect gym time to be permanent.
2) If they are serious about working out, they look like shit too.
3) He might be gay. Just sayin.
4) You might get hit on, but probably not if you are acting like those people above, the guys will make fun of you too.

I love America, the beginning

When I say "I love America" I mean it. Many of us don't realize what make us awesome, but I'm going to tell you because I don't think you are aware of the awesomeness that is us.

1) Supermarkets - I walked into Target and said, "I fucking love America". One - it's huge AND the aisles make sense. The make-up is next to other inedible things AND I have more than one choice of lipstick. I don't have to go to a separate store. Trust me, it's awesome to have a one stop shop. Oh, PLEASE don't let me forget to talk about all the different choices you have. I will admit, it's a bit annoying to me right now, because I seriously don't know if I want Fiber one, Fiber plus, fiber plus with berries, fiber plus with berries and yogurt, or cheerios. It's a lot to take in. I seriously stared at the dog food for like 5 minutes deciding which food my DOG would like best and have the best deals.... she's a dog, some of them eat poop and I'm wondering if she needs more omega three or more protein... But, trust me, in other countries, you are lucky if they have a cereal you want to eat, and yes milk tastes different everywhere - it affects the taste of the cereal. Ass cereal, NOT GOOD.

2) Random stuff - I looked around the store and it's amazingness and realized Americans don't notice weird stuff anymore. Case in point, why would anyone need neon pink duct tape. I was like, "As an American, I'm glad I have that choice" but no one else around me seemed to notice or think that me staring at it was weird. You guys, you have no idea what it feels like to need something as simple as cream cheese and NOT be able to find it but show up in America and they have 50 million types (the garden is especially good). I could find envelopes or regular light bulbs (which in Prague were by the cars...?) and now I can find them with cool colors and "eco-friendly" messages. I feel unique AND save the world.

3) Plastic bags. Yeah, the rest of the world has already gone green. Imagine you are in Walmart buying a month worth of groceries and they don't give you plastic bags unless you pay for them... crazy, but it forces you to think about bringing bags and what you are going to buy.... seriously. I missed having plastic bags for poop, for random lunch trips, for leftovers, for reasons I can't fathom - there is a security with having 40,000 plastic bags in your house. Yeah, I got annoyed when I couldn't find them in my old house - to the point, I almost broke down in a plastic bag fury... it was scary, thank god my mom was rational and threw a backpack at me.

4) Fast food. Yes, America we are fat, and I know why. It's SOOOO easy. I freakin LOVE being able to drive 5 min any direction and pay 3 dollars for 500 + calories. Of course, our sizes are much bigger too which makes me happy because I'm like, for $3 I get ALL OF THIS?!?! Yeah, so what if I can eat my entire day's caloric intake in one meal - I NEVER have to eat again. Of course, as Americans, THAT option isn't really an option. I mean, we still do the whole 3 meals a day thing. I can say that I used to cook more for myself in Prague, AND more healthy, but really? who wants that? For a single person, really, eating fast food and cooking isn't much of a comparison, i mean, it's no fun cooking for yourself. (well, considering I prefer never to cook, it's more of a true statement, but having someone else EAT it with you makes you feel better - they're willing to die too).

5) Finally, but not the last thing, because this may become a small series as I get better acquainted with america again, the radio. I've only been here two weeks and already I know lyrics to songs that I didn't even know existed till I got here. They play everything a million times, just to make sure I know it's a popular song - BUT there are like 100s of stations that i can change to if I don't want to listen to that particular song at that time. It's odd, they play songs continuously but they also have stations who play songs that most people haven't heard in years... I heard "kiss from a rose" by Seal and was STOKED! It's like when I play old school on my ipod, I get super excited because really, they were good songs, they just aren't popular anymore. Well, they are popular in my heart.

Ok, I'll stop babbling now. Next, week (or tomorrow) will be Pookah: trauma in the dog world.

....great white buffalo.... (hot tub time machine)