Hair hair hair

So guys, I got my hair cut and I look a like Joan Jet...
It's bangs, a bit asymmetrical (sometimes you gotta live a little), and my hair is straight so its razor edged and I can't tell how it really is going to fall. Dev's first reactions was, "that's so very '80s".

I was texting a friend of mine and I actually like it, its different, edgy... "It makes me want to learn how to play guitar or rockband." Like I should know how rock out to Stairway to Heaven or something... Wear a headband, do heroine... just kidding.

Anyway, that was the short part of my new 80s self. What I wanted to talk about was Mullets. DUDE, so many freakin mullets, even little kids have mullets. Its like its THE MULLET NATION! dum dum dum...... I mean, I saw an Middle eastern 6 year old with a curly mullet (swear), I saw SEVERAL men with faux-hawk mullets, and even had this guy play the medival drums in a mullet (apparently, the mullet has lasted CENTURIES.) I just don't get it, although, now I should have some '80s awakening about it... I saw a guy with a dread mullet, a girl with a really terrible cut with bangs all around her head kind of mullet... except to be honest I saw her eyebrows first...

Picture this:
You are minding your OWN business staring at people looking for mullets, I kid you not, 5 on the way to Namesti Republicky (like 15 min train ride)and I find one that is burnt to a crisp blonde. I was like, now that has to suck, first your hairstylist (being yourself) gives you a mullet then makes sure that the hair will crack that way forever. Its an endless mullet cycle. You hope that only happens in your mullet nightmares.

BEWARE CHILDREN - what I must say next, might give you nightmares. She turns around and BAM! EYEBROWS!!!! kinda.

SWEAR TO the HOLY MAKERS OF MAKERSMARK - she had plucked the living crap out of them so there was a smidge of what i thought was supposed to be eyebrows, she did not draw them back in but instead let the hairs kinda grow back... she was a natural brunette with a unibrow. I about DIED. YES. YES. YES. THAT happened and all I could do was stand there. Thankfully, she didn't seem to notice that MY eyebrows had shot to my forehead (that are now covered in bangs).

Which brings me to another story which reiterates the different between men and women.

So Dev and I were on a train going to somewhere and we get on and I see this teenage girl with glasses. I, of course look into her face and notice that the poor dear has a glass eye. I just act like I normally would because she's probably used to people acting all weird around her. Then my dumb ass boyfriend is giving me the "look-at-the-girl-behind-you" look. I'm like, what an ass, and I say, "dude, seriously I know, drop it." Now, I'm kinda pissed that Dev would do such an asshole thing...

So we go off and meet my mom for lunch and Dev brings up this girl in conversation. I'm like, "oh great, now I just know I'm going to be irritated with you and have to start a fight." (C'mon, you know me people - I was preparing myself.) Then, Dev made a comment that just made me stop eating.

I just look at him...
and look at him...
and finally say, "The girl, in the purple, right behind me on the train"
Dev: "Yeah, I gave you THE look, and you said you noticed"
Me: "Ummm... Dev"
Dev: "What? I was trying not to stare"
Me: "That girl had a glass eye"
Dev: "Really? I didn't notice. BUT seriously, how could YOU of all people, with your height, not notice her boobs hanging out?"

Yep. I didn't notice. At All.
Mullets - check
Crazy scary eyebrows - check
glass eye - check
boobs... well - I'll work on it.

You think you had a bad dream

I was debating writing this blog... but I'm going to do it.

Sometimes when I wake up from a dream, I immediately write it down because I feel like I could write and entire book on it. Like this one time, I dreamed of a sci-fi, life orb, unrequited love shit.... yeah, i look at my notes and then went, "how the hell did that guy turn into a chick?" I keep thinking I could write a book about some of my dreams and it turns out, either I'm a shitty writer (which is true) or I have no idea what I'm talking about (which is sadly true again).... I just dream better than I write I guess..

Anyway, this brings me to my last nightmare which I do want to share.

Ok, so in my dream there is a pool party with random stars there (in character). I had McDreamy, McSteamy, Samwise Gamgee, and Scott (Dr. Evil's son). I have NO idea why they were at my pool party but there were also chubby babies so I was happy. Well, there is a slide that twirls down to a beach! I'm like Yeah boy, that's what I'm doing....

side note: those people who dream they are naked in front of their classes have nothing on me....

So, McDreamy and McSteamy are arguing about who is cuter and why they can't get dates, and I laugh and pass them by. All of a sudden, my stomach gurggles and I start shitting myself. WHAT?!? McDreamy and McSteamy and me, shitting myself. I'm like, "I need to get to the water slide before anyone sees me!!!" Did I? Of course, then shit ran down the slide.... I was mortified and McSteamy is like, "what's going on, what is that stuff?" REALLY? it is MY dream and I'm shitting all over a slide....

I woke up astounded that my subconcious would play such a mean game on me. WHY would I dream such a horrible dream? I don't even do that with my enemies! I don't even want to know what it means but honestly... because you are my friends and I love you, AND nothing really happened...

I woke up and checked my pants just to make sure.

Hello Gandhi!

Let's try this again my loyal readers, this is not my best blog, but I would like you to know that I HAVE done stuff.

I decided I will write about the highlights of Devin's trip instead of a play by play mainly because 1) i'm super lazy 2) I forgot a lot.

Ok, we did the normal things, the Charles Bridge, The astrological clock, the palace, the museum by the bridge a few tourist traps... we even did a boat ride.

First, the torture museum. Now, this is not so much a Devin thing as it is an "Athena's obsession with the abnormal psyche of humans." Dev thought it was completely a waste of money while I stared and the spiky chair imagining where those spikes would actually GO. To be honest, not a lot of it was new to me but I was disturbed none the less. Like a chastity belt with a small pee hole? Really? Though they had a male chastity belt that was completely fake... there was no way his member would fit perfectly inside the little metal... thingy they had. Just sayin' NOT that men would ever have to put up with such suffering...

Well, we got a two-fer out of the deal and got to go to wax museum.

Yes, I met Gandhi. And Devin finally got a picture with the Pope and of course I heckled Bill Clinton and Dev took an inappropriate picture with the back of my head where his...y'know. HE WAS STANDING on something - it was not intentional on my part. Shit, this sounds like the Lewinsky scandal all over again... Oh and Mozart, short guy - just sayin NOT attracted to the guy.



Ok, so we also had a boat ride. Y'know that scene in Wayne's World where the security guard gives WAY too much info... that's what I felt like. Not in a bad way, I just expected a river trip to give us a little background on the buildings along the way, some historical fun pointless facts about building bridges and crap. Dude, our boat guide was a freakin scholar. He gave us the background from WWII, stats of Jews before and after, what the czech govt did for reparations, the cost of buying a place back then and now... it was crazy.

Did you know?
That the Germans took over Prague and drove on the opposite side of how the Czech's drove, and so many accidents resulted in that change, Hitler came to Prague to announce that everyone will drive on the right side... (though they did not make major changes to roads until later)

That the Czech people spent MILLIONS of dollars and YEARS building a marble statue with 4 people on each side and Stalin in the middle (that from the pictures was like at least 5 stories high, yeah the boat guy showed us pictures)and it stood like less than a year before it was destroyed because Stalin was given negative press...

That before WWII the population of Jewish people in Prague was 20%, and after it was less than .1% Yes, he said POINT 1. (Yet, thankfully for them their oldest Synagogue still stands at 700 years old).... p.s. it's called The Old-New synagogue. No joke. (p.p.s. We did the whole Jewish quarter - and it was interesting, though I would not recommend it tipsy... as Dev and I were. It sobers you up REAL fast, there is some serious Jewish shit going down.)

Ok, enough of a history lesson.

So we went to this bar after our little boat trip and there was this bar I looked up called Aloha bar, because really? can you go wrong with that?

Apparently you can. It was dead. So dead... I'm going to hell for this quip, but I had a LOT of Jewish history and I said, "I'm about excited to be here as Anne Frank." Yup, straight down.

Dev was better, he just said, I can't wait till my hangover. This place might possibly be the worst mid-day drink place IN the world. Imagine going to a place expecting y'know flowers, ukulele, maybe a surf board... no you walk in and the dementor's are the only ones having a good time. When we left, we had no souls.

Anyway, so we THEN went to George and the Dragon in old town and found a couple that was AWESOME who explained cricket to me. By the way, so complicated AND it can last for 3 days... Dev ordered a pitcher of beer for himself and I kept the mojitos going. We took shots, got wasted and went home... there were some jokes but I can't remember them. Cricket - I say nay. We would have preferred Quidditch. I get that game.

Now maybe you are wondering - why is she making all these Harry Potter references? BECAUSE I got a hat for GRYFFINDOR!!!! Yeah I wear it, I wore it outside. It's my JAM! Don't hate, it's more amazing then Lindsay Lohan being sober.

Recap of the nightmare that was day one

Hello my few loyal readers! I am back from my vacay. Yes, I know it is pointless for me to call the last month my vacation because that's all my life is... but seriously, its hard to be me.

The last two weeks Dev was here in Prague.

Day one went like this:

So Dev is coming in at 2pm and I'm having trouble sleeping - no real surprise there - so I make breakfast plans with a friend of mine earlier in the evening. So I'm sitting in bed reading, 3 am and BAM!!! cramp.

Freakin great. Yes, I knew this was coming... I'm pretty ok with it but it was one of THOSE kinds...

Me: Um... hey period, um, i know we have our monthly scheduled appointment, but I was hoping we could keep it low key - y'know my bf is visiting so...
Period: No and just for that, I'm making sure your life is miserable.
Me: That's it, we are no longer friends - see if I let you come by next month.

So i'm in pain. I am cramping so bad that I am getting nauseous. I'm like, "ok, I am in control of my body... fuck this." So I drink a little water, seeing if the cramps will warrant some horse pill to kill it.... oh, because I'll kill it - I'll kill it good.

Was I that lucky? NO!

I found out about 1 hour later, that it's not my period - IT'S FOOD POISONING!!!!

Because you guys and me are so close, I'm going to tell you what happened:
(I'm not scared, but if you are - don't read this)

So I finally get so nauseous that I RUN to the bathroom and all of a sudden i know my body has turned on me. I have to sit on the toilet and grab a trash can so that I don't become this amazing 4'8'' shit monster. I am expelling EVERYTHING I ate. Which only consisted of cherry tomatoes and pizza. (I do not have an eating problem, I just don't eat when I have anxiety.) So, I ran out of food fast.

I am trying to drink water but I can't keep that down or in for that matter. All this time I'm doing a countdown in my head till I have to pick up Dev from the airport. There was no making that breakfast.

My mom gets up for work, I've been at it for two hours. I swear, I must've looked like I gave birth because my mom just looked at me and was like, "wow, you ok? let me bring you water"

did I keep that down? No.

So the countdown continues. I started feeling sick around 3 am, mom found me at 6 am, It's around 9:30 am, I have some time. I can do this, I'll take a nap - I'll be fine. Wait... is that the door? Is someone at the fucking door?

Of course they are, they need to look at the water heater again (like they did yesterday), and the shower (since I broke it again). I'm having some major problems now. I can't turn them away, and here's why:

I do need hot water to wash this stink off, and I will need the shower to do it in...

I have to let these guys in. So I let them in, (I have to chase 4 dogs out of my house so that I can let them in) run upstairs to my mom's bathroom so I can puke and shit with random czech strangers in my house. Lovely. They finally leave like an HOUR and some later. It's noon. Luckily, I haven't had a body explosion in an hour so I think I can do this. I make a taxi appointment to pick me up. And I lay there - hoping and praying (yes, I said praying) that this will go away.

Ok, side note: I FINALLY realize why people say "you really chap my ass", think about it long and hard... you get it don't you? Reality - not so funny.

I do it people - pure will power, I showered, brushed my teeth, had three sips of water, GOT in the cab and got to the airport.

...sitting.
...sitting.
...I can tell now that Dev has lost his luggage.
...oh, no... stomach rumble... got to get to bathroom.
Hold up. SERIOUSLY. the worst 3 words EVER.

CLOSED FOR CLEANING (except in czech)

This is not happening. Why God? WHAT THE HELL DID I DO?

So you know what I did, Fuck the sign. I walked in (after a small debate) and seriously, the lady didn't even bat an eye. It was like she knew I was on a mission. She could feel my tension and the ass-power I could bestow upon her to make her wish she'd never become a cleaning lady.

Finally, there was nothing left. I was done. My ass is out of order, I have lost ten pounds of water weight (Skeletor has nothing on me), and I still haven't found my bf at the airport. He finally comes out. I know I look worse than he does - but he doesn't even notice, he's so tired. He hugs my skin and bones and I need to tell him not to make out with me and explain I'm a walking shit-bomb. He must have been really tired to just laugh at me and still kiss me.

Anyway, we get home. We pass out on the couch (my first real sleep) for about two hours. Mom gets home, and he goes to bed for another 10 hours, I sleep for another three. I finally can put down water.

AND YES, we went out to sightsee the next day. I'm THAT good.