grafenwoehr, pronounced Graff-en-vier

That's the German army base I went to... Ok, so this is supposed to be a little piece of America... if so, let me tell you about America.

1) There are alot of pregnant ladies. Like tons, like 1 out of 5 women I saw were pregnant, and that's not including the millions of small children I saw. America, we are not having an issue procreating. Maybe it's the uniform thing... I can't lie, something about a guy in uniform... but then again, I'm also a fan of birth control... just sayin.

side story: As a result of these millions of small children, they all have to go potty. So, as a person who just ate and drank a lot (reference #3), I had to go potty. The line was out the door with mothers and children... I couldn't see inside. I had to go preTTy bad... Then I realized something... there was no line. (Yes, a very matrix, there is no spoon moment.) The line was FOR BABIES. There is only ONE changing table. ONE, with a million children and 1/2 million pregnant ladies, there is only ONE baby changing table. Who the hell designed that crap? I mean, LOOK at your demographic... I looked at the lady in front of me and said, "are you in the baby line" and she goes "I think everyone is".... sure enough... EVERYONE except me, was waiting to change a baby. So I did a quick sashay to the front of the line, with no wait, and pottied. When I got out, there were three more people in line for the babies... The lesson here, lots of babies poop.

2) This is my second view of Americans, which I'm kinda proud of, we hold hands. Like all the time. I can't tell you how many people were just holding hands. It's sweet. Now, what it NOT sweet is here in Prague. People seriously make out in trains, at bus stations, everywhere. GOING AT IT making out, in broad daylight... there was like no excuse of alcohol or they might not have known other people around, they were doing it because they can... gross.

side story: But the creepiest thing I saw (about a month back) didn't even involve making out. There was this one couple that was on the train. My mom and I were going to the end of the train line which took about 45 min, and this couple was on it for at least 30 min. They were just holding each other STARING at each others eyes. STARING, like it was romantic for 30 minutes! I was watching people on the train, and when the new people got on, after like 5 minutes, they were looking around wondering if anyone else thought it was weird. If I knew Czech better, I might have said, "yes, I'm freaked out too." Continuing on:

3) Fast food is popular everywhere... We have McDonald's here - its not the same, but its still delicious. We also have KFC here (it's ok) and subway (delicious). BUT there on base, they had a Taco Bell, Popeye's, Pizza Hut, Subway, Burger King and Anthony's Pizza. (Anthony's pizza is what I grew up on in Japan.) The lines, were like SUPER long. It's like, as Americans, if we can get it, we are going to eat as much fast food as possible. Oh, and I'm part of it America. I went straight to Taco Bell because I haven't had that in ages. I ate two Supreme Chalupas and some cinnamon twists and a huge coke... working towards obesity never tasted so good.

Side story: So there I was... surrounded by hungry Americans in the Taco Bell line. (p.s. 15 min of line and totally worth it) There was only one cashier (at lunch time on a saturday THAT manager should be fired) and he looked a bit frazzled. Well, I started to flirt a little to make him smile, joking about the millions of choices and how good he is at asking questions about what i wanted... stupid but he smiled... and paid and moved along. Well, I paid with a $10 and went to put the change in my purse and I had a $5 bill and a $1 bill. This is pathetic, but i think it's because I don't have a job - my first reaction was "OMIGOD I'm RICH!" Yeah, laugh your ass off, I did. Then I looked at my receipt and it was true, he gave me more money than I deserved. So me being me, I told him and he seriously looked like he was going to shit a brick. (My second thought was "wow, he thinks $5 is a lot too".) I was happy that I did a good deed, that is its own reward. Oh, so I got a coupon for my next meal free, seriously a better reward.

4) As an American dad (maybe it's all over but I haven't seen it much), when your small child is reacting in line, you immediately put them on your shoulders and the kid miraculously behaves. Yes, I looked up while I was waiting in line and no joke, different lines, there were like 5 toddlers that were towering over lines. 7 foot toddlers having the time of their lives unaware that one slip and BAM! permanent brain damage.

5) Tattoos are everywhere. Men and women. In various places... I think that's more of an Armed Forces thing, but all parents looked like they had tattoos. I thought it was weird... but then I thought of them like birds. With all the pretty colors and various sizes, they are trying to stand out. Of course, it's a bit ironic that since everyone has tattoos, the people that stand out are the ones with no tattoos.

I'm super proud to be an American, because while we have all these crazy little things, it feels good to know that I'm not alone with it. I do like guys in uniforms, I like to hold hands, I do crave super unhealthy foods, I find tattoos interesting and yes, I'm probably going to hand off my kid to my husband to put it at an extremely precarious height so that I can have a moment of peace.

God Bless America

My weekend... and yes, I'm getting old

So, I've known for awhile I'm not the young chick I used to be... please people, I know you are thinking, "no, you are gorgeous, everyone loves you, you are the life of the party..." but it's true. I'm officially not able to party like I used to.... And here's why:

I went to a party and I stayed till 7. Problem is: I started drinking water at 10 am. YES, water. I had a few drinks but I was downing water like a champ AND i was snacking and MAINTAINING... have I EVER EVER EVER done that? This girl who woke up with a taquito in her mouth, this girl who woke up with blue teeth once, this girl who never throws up in cabs though we always spend 5 min convincing the cabby, this girl who is usually found in the turtle position when she goes missing... THAT girl may be gone... its a sad day people, and I'm in mourning. oh, she may show up occasionally, but i'm afraid that she's now only a guest star.

Oh, and that's not all, I'm starting to go to a coffee clatch with some ladies from the neighborhood. You know what they do? They meet up and have coffee, talk about their kids, husbands, general women things AND I'm super excited about it.... no I'm stoked. YEAH. STOKED. I'm not ashamed. They are some cool women... and I have a lot in common with them (besides the kids and husbands).

Here's another reason: I'm cooking. For my mom. I'm planning on cooking. My mom brought home Better Homes and Gardens, and I squeeled. loud. I LOVE that magazine. I became the tween girl that jumps up and down when the new Nsync CD came out. In my head, I was doing the "bye bye bye" dance. All this for the Valentine's edition of a mom magazine. OH OH OH! AND, in the bathroom, I actually pick up my parents' national geographic and architectual digest and I READ the articles, NOT just look at the pictures. AND I enjoy it, I really do want to know about brain chemistry and how certain people memory's are effected, and yes, sometimes I do want to know who the top 100 interior designers are.

That's not all people: the final thing that lets me know I'm totally old. I'm soft, like not fat, soft. I'm like my six pack is going away - AND i'm ok with it! I say things like, "I'm freakin 27 years old... why the hell would I want to work out 3 hours a day to maintain a six pack." That is old people's logic my friends. ONLY old people say things like that because they don't CARE what they look like on the beach, or what they look like in a midrift. I look fabulous naked, not gonna lie, sometimes I get mad at Adam and Eve for because I totally could strut around naked and be fine with it, however, I look at myself and think, "is this going towards muffin top area?" and I think, how do I look better naked than with clothes on, then it hits me. I don't like the new trends, I hate the skinny jeans, and super tight shirts. I want things that "fit".

Yes, what I'm getting at is: I have to wear AGE appropriate clothing! For the party, I was like where the hell are all my party clothes? I asked my mom what I should wear, and she goes, don't you have a short skirt? NO, NO I DON'T. (I would like you to note, I ASKED MY MOM WHAT I SHOULD WEAR.) All my cute tops, are cute - for going to a martini bar (101) or a restaurant... NOT bullwinkle's or any sort of dive that I used to go to.

It's a sad day. I might someday become that woman who drives a mini-van, bakes cookies for fun, and has one glass of wine on occasion.

All I ask is that if I get fat. Someone please tell me.