Yes, my underwear

So there I was.... surrounded by loads of laundry. I, unlike most people I know, enjoy the monotony of folding. It's soothing, like when I fill out paperwork... yes, paperwork. Something about doing something that I don't have to think about, calms me down... which explains my Masters in Public Admin. (NO, not that it was brainless... that I enjoy paperwork and research... jeez, haters)

Anyway, I was folding my underwear, yes my underwear, and noticed something quite shocking... my underwear... its getting bigger.
You: WHAT?!
Me:I know I'm astounded as well.

I'm not saying my ass is getting bigger, mayhaps it is as well... but that my actual underwear does not consist of just strips of cloth or string. Where did they all go? Did they disappear with the socks? (Actually, my dog Pookah, has this thing for shredding thongs - true story - its gross.)

Then it hits me - I'm gonna tell you because one day this will make sense to others if they have not already - you will go through the transition to comfy undies. I stopped replacing, buying, or even looking at thongs.
You:WHAT?
Me: I am astounded as well, no... well, actually I'm not.

Most girls: "No, I find thongs more comfortable", "they are sexy", "I hate panty lines", "it makes pole dancing easier"...

You are brainwashed. Think back, WAY back to your first thong. Here I'll tell you about mine:
(My mom is played by Lois from family guy, I am Meg without glasses and that stupid hat.)

Meg (me): Mom, I need a thong because my underwear and bloomers are the same size, and it looks bad.
Lois: Ok, honey. I'll pick some up later after work. (She worked at Macy's.)

LATER
Lois: Here baby, I brought you two kinds.
Meg: What is that?
Lois: These are thongs. This one is mesh and this one is cotton blend.
Meg: wait a minute... Is that even really considered underwear? Seriously? It only covers the diamond in the rough... And why would you even wear a mesh thong? You can see right through it... see? (Meg, looking through the mesh thong, waving at Lois)
Lois: Ummmm... this is a thong, sweetheart.
Meg: Fine, I'll wash it and try it on later tonight, I'll suffer for my sport (which was cheerleading - refer back to my previous confusion of why I thought I was the shit).

LATER TONIGHT
Meg: Mom, this goes up my butt.
Lois: It's supposed to dear.
Meg: It feels like rope burn.


NOW

I remember grinning and bearing it because it was what was expected of my bum and modern underwear wearing teenagers. In fact, until I got to college, I was a thong wearer UNTIL (boys you may want to look away) it turns out that your girl parts can get infections. Yeah, I went there. Be grossed out because I WAS. And do you know WHY thong wearers are more prone to infection?
(Fellas, look away or I'll destroy your thong wearing world)
THAT STRIP OF CLOTH RUBS THE SEWER WITH THE PLAYGROUND! In fact, it's a GYNECOLOGICAL NIGHTMARE.

It makes it temporarily out of order... or in my case, constantly. AND for another fun fact, a MAN created the thong. Of course. OK, so I didn't like the idea of my limited thong wearing time when I first was put on my thong diet, but who really likes a diet? But just like eating healthy (no disgusting pun intended), I got used to it. So used to it, almost every guy I've ever dated probably remembers my underwear as anything but a thong. But now, I hate it when my butt gets cold. Seriously, it's a pet peeve of mine, things like that will keep me up late at night. Another true story.

That's not to say I didn't try out the boy shorts. I like them and I still wear those types but seriously because I don't wear cheerleading uniforms, business suits, and skin tight jeans that often anymore (cheerleading uniform not for YEARS), I don't see the point in wearing a thong.

So while I'm folding these underwear that are "full bottom" (NOT waist high, I still wear low rise and mayhaps with cute little things on them... I have standards), I realize I have crossed over another line of being comfortable over being sexy. At first, I felt shame, then I remember that most 28 year olds don't have my sweet ass and I feel better. :)

To all of my 5 loyal readers, I say this: (standing with hands on my hips)
I stand proud in my full bottom low ride cotton underwear.
(Turning) And you can see that it is toasty warm.

Compromise...

To me that word is as scary as a few others that raises the hair on my neck...
1. Commitment (or like FOREVER or ETERNALLY)
2. Matrimony (or Marriage - though if i had a choice marriage is less scary only because I've seen "marriages" like Britney Spears and wedding shows like bridezilla and its really not as serious sounding as matrimony when they show it.)
3. Meningitis. Even spelling it give me the willies. Yes, it's more scary to me than the letters HIV... but not as scary as the letters AIDS...
4. Warrant - not because I've ever gotten one, but because it's always serious on tv when people do get one and if someone handed it to me, I would freak. I wonder if crying would get me out of it...?

"Please officer, I NEVER LEARNED TO READ!"

Hey, it's worth a try.


I am just kinda terrible at compromise. Hell, AND I know that most of the time guys hate it that girls cry and that is one ace in my pocket. I could use it over and over again, yet, I can't lower myself to do it to get my way. It's like my shoulder angels look at me and the devil is like "you're better than that" and the angel is like "yeah that's pretty pathetic".

Thanks alot assholes, why take the easy way?

(FYI: They've got names: Bad shoulder angel - Rocco, Good shoulder Angel - George.)

So instead, I just get angry (though I can proudly say I have not gone all "Latin Rage" as C-had used to say). I get angry and a slant my eyes and I think of all the ways I could argue myself out of it. I used to be worse... It was like I was loading up my holster with brain grenades and psycho-launchers ready to do a mental battle where mind bullets were just not enough. Sometimes I even had a wit time bomb, yeah, I played it only when I knew I could level an entire argument with either shame, guilt, or just plain stupidity.

Problem was my devil shoulder angel (Rocco) was always like, "here use this" and handed me a machete or said "Good one Theen!" after I've taken another part of your humanity. I'm not proud of it, and my good angel stood there and not even bothering to say, "You're going to hell", nope. He stood there filing his nails and saying, "yeah, I can't believe I'm getting overtime for this".

Bad George - trust me, his review is going to be scathing when I get to St. Peter. Maybe I'm exaggerating a bit. Well... that was then, I said I USED to be like that.

In the last few years, that good angel (George) has been coming at me with avengence - I watch "Hoarding" on A&E and yeah, I teared up - like a panzy-ass. Oh OH!!! And that stupid Animal abuse commercial with Sarah McLachlan singing Angel in the background... It's 1 minute of pure torture! Everytime I see that commercial I break down and tear up like someone is slowing pulling out my eyelashes or making me watch the bachelor - it's painful! STUPID George. He's so wily. He's filled me with empathy to my ears, that sometimes I feel like a pregnant woman watching a lifetime movie.

Going back to compromise - it's not that I don't know how to do it, I've got three sisters. I'm pretty good at it sometimes. When it comes to boyfriends, I just need to have certain things my way.
1. I control the TV always.
2. I eat anything I want - always
3. I win... always

See? It's SO HARD! ARGH!! And that matrimony word has like all these other words that I don't like ALL put into ONE meaning.

As defined by Theen's all knowing vocab of wonderment and wiles:
Matrimony (n.)- Commitment, compromise, FOREVER, share, split your time, divide half, group decision making. (...I think more than one is a group in this case as apparently independent decision making causes some issues as I have found out in previous relationships - like that time I decided to move to London...)

Jeez... no wonder divorce is America's new past time. Which is another word I hate more than matrimony but since I have not yet passed go on THAT score, I think I'm ok from the big D word.

That's not to say that I'm not loving. I never said that. If you thought that, check yourself. I'm a very loving person, I just like to love things on my terms.

I.e. I love that sweater on the rack, take it off, it looks like shit on you.
Just kidding - that was not really part of this discussion but kinda funny :)

I'm slowly learning, begrudgingly. I suppose that's why I date men with patience... Are you surprised I date? Seriously?

Here's another word: Sex.