Recap of the nightmare that was day one

Hello my few loyal readers! I am back from my vacay. Yes, I know it is pointless for me to call the last month my vacation because that's all my life is... but seriously, its hard to be me.

The last two weeks Dev was here in Prague.

Day one went like this:

So Dev is coming in at 2pm and I'm having trouble sleeping - no real surprise there - so I make breakfast plans with a friend of mine earlier in the evening. So I'm sitting in bed reading, 3 am and BAM!!! cramp.

Freakin great. Yes, I knew this was coming... I'm pretty ok with it but it was one of THOSE kinds...

Me: Um... hey period, um, i know we have our monthly scheduled appointment, but I was hoping we could keep it low key - y'know my bf is visiting so...
Period: No and just for that, I'm making sure your life is miserable.
Me: That's it, we are no longer friends - see if I let you come by next month.

So i'm in pain. I am cramping so bad that I am getting nauseous. I'm like, "ok, I am in control of my body... fuck this." So I drink a little water, seeing if the cramps will warrant some horse pill to kill it.... oh, because I'll kill it - I'll kill it good.

Was I that lucky? NO!

I found out about 1 hour later, that it's not my period - IT'S FOOD POISONING!!!!

Because you guys and me are so close, I'm going to tell you what happened:
(I'm not scared, but if you are - don't read this)

So I finally get so nauseous that I RUN to the bathroom and all of a sudden i know my body has turned on me. I have to sit on the toilet and grab a trash can so that I don't become this amazing 4'8'' shit monster. I am expelling EVERYTHING I ate. Which only consisted of cherry tomatoes and pizza. (I do not have an eating problem, I just don't eat when I have anxiety.) So, I ran out of food fast.

I am trying to drink water but I can't keep that down or in for that matter. All this time I'm doing a countdown in my head till I have to pick up Dev from the airport. There was no making that breakfast.

My mom gets up for work, I've been at it for two hours. I swear, I must've looked like I gave birth because my mom just looked at me and was like, "wow, you ok? let me bring you water"

did I keep that down? No.

So the countdown continues. I started feeling sick around 3 am, mom found me at 6 am, It's around 9:30 am, I have some time. I can do this, I'll take a nap - I'll be fine. Wait... is that the door? Is someone at the fucking door?

Of course they are, they need to look at the water heater again (like they did yesterday), and the shower (since I broke it again). I'm having some major problems now. I can't turn them away, and here's why:

I do need hot water to wash this stink off, and I will need the shower to do it in...

I have to let these guys in. So I let them in, (I have to chase 4 dogs out of my house so that I can let them in) run upstairs to my mom's bathroom so I can puke and shit with random czech strangers in my house. Lovely. They finally leave like an HOUR and some later. It's noon. Luckily, I haven't had a body explosion in an hour so I think I can do this. I make a taxi appointment to pick me up. And I lay there - hoping and praying (yes, I said praying) that this will go away.

Ok, side note: I FINALLY realize why people say "you really chap my ass", think about it long and hard... you get it don't you? Reality - not so funny.

I do it people - pure will power, I showered, brushed my teeth, had three sips of water, GOT in the cab and got to the airport.

...sitting.
...sitting.
...I can tell now that Dev has lost his luggage.
...oh, no... stomach rumble... got to get to bathroom.
Hold up. SERIOUSLY. the worst 3 words EVER.

CLOSED FOR CLEANING (except in czech)

This is not happening. Why God? WHAT THE HELL DID I DO?

So you know what I did, Fuck the sign. I walked in (after a small debate) and seriously, the lady didn't even bat an eye. It was like she knew I was on a mission. She could feel my tension and the ass-power I could bestow upon her to make her wish she'd never become a cleaning lady.

Finally, there was nothing left. I was done. My ass is out of order, I have lost ten pounds of water weight (Skeletor has nothing on me), and I still haven't found my bf at the airport. He finally comes out. I know I look worse than he does - but he doesn't even notice, he's so tired. He hugs my skin and bones and I need to tell him not to make out with me and explain I'm a walking shit-bomb. He must have been really tired to just laugh at me and still kiss me.

Anyway, we get home. We pass out on the couch (my first real sleep) for about two hours. Mom gets home, and he goes to bed for another 10 hours, I sleep for another three. I finally can put down water.

AND YES, we went out to sightsee the next day. I'm THAT good.