I'm inappropriate

Nothing particular happened today. I was just reflecting on my life... and well, I think I'm managing to alienate people here more so than normal. I forget that sometimes I just say things that are well, not normal.

I'm open. I can talk about depression, sex and serial killers without batting an eye. Hell, I talk about my period and guys FREAK out. What? I know you have morning wood... you know I bleed (ok, menses), what the hell is the difference if we talk about it? The problem is not that I can, but on occasion, I do. Those are some topics, but really, I think its my reactions that get me in trouble MOST of the time. I mean, honesty is supposed to be the best policy.... Seriously. I'm not scared.

OK, remember Karaoke night with Dev (refer to that blog if you don't), I had a good time. I asked Dev if we could go earlier and he said yeah, so we were heading out. Well the strangers I made friends with at the bar, were like, "WHAT? You're going home! Why are you going home so early? That's so gay."
ME: "I'm going home to have sex with my boyfriend." Yup, I said it - try me.
Guy: "TMI!!! Omigod, TMI!" (too much info)
Me: "Then why did you ask and then give me shit if you didn't want me to tell you?" You're lame not me.

or that time (in the previous blog again) that the 6 yr old kid asked me about if the dog carrier would protect the dog if the airplane crashed, and I practically said no, we'd all die.

Or the time that I was teaching pre-school, and a 2 yr old little girl noticed her "jewel" if you will:
Thumblina: what is that?
Me: That's where you go pee.
Thumblina: NO! What is that? (now pointed to her vagina)
*well, my mom never used fun little words, she always said it was better to say the anatomically correct way
Me: "That's your vagina"
Thumblina: oh, ok.

Now, I had to tell my supervisor just in case I have expanded this little girl's vocabulary a bit much. And she said, "why didn't you just say private parts?!?!?"

oh. Yeah. That would've worked too.

Now, I get sometimes that I'm inappropriate in my advice even if I don't know someone. Seriously, I mean I can't tell you how often I say, "no glove, no love" to people I have met that night at a bar. (NOT for me, for OTHERS). I figure even if it works one time, the guy or girl might think, "wow, that short girl just kept me from getting Herpes." and YES I did save you from getting swollen blisters on your hoo-hoos.

Hell, I even get the nickname Debbie Downer on occasion. When someone (USED to anyway) asks, "what do you do for a living?" I said, "I work in an outpatient mental health facility." "Wow, so you deal with some crazy people, huh?" "no, not really.... I mean I've only had to call the cops a few times, and only once did someone threaten me with bodily harm..."

Or the worst thing ever is when someone is joking and I come up with a fun fact that well is NOT fun. Imagine this guy just sitting there waiting for his girlfriend at a bar. Having a nice little drink and me sitting there next to him-
Guy: "Man, sometimes I could just kill my girlfriend"
Me: "50% of men in jail who killed women, killed their partners, and 2/3 of women fatally shot were by their, you guessed it, partners" Yeah, he was really going to guess...
Now uncomfortable Guy: "yeah, I gotta go"

I don't mean to do it.

Or the biggest thing is that I'll tell stories about me (you know the kind... so there I was...), in front of GOD FORBID my mother. Dude, she thinks I'm funny. Who cares if I'm telling a story of the first time I saw an anal plug the size of a can of coke? Or when I thought I had breast cancer when I finally started growing boobs... or how I explained "69" to my mom.... yeah, people I did that. Because I love my mother, and to keep up with jokes, she needs to know these things.

Seriously, I told the "shit-girl story" at Miller's Ale house to a bunch of House Representatives... with hand motions and running...

All I'm saying is, when did honesty and important facts become impolite? I mean, I LIKE to hear about things that make some people uncomfortable. I'm serious when I want to hear about your ex-girlfriend, or that time you shit your pants in third grade... I like hearing about the crap that went on in your life to make you YOU. We all have these stories...

(yeah, I used to be able to fart on cue - NOT kidding. And they stunk, but one time, I was a little sick and Yell came home and wanted me to do it, she was always seeing if she could catch me once NOT being able to do it, and I almost shit my pants... that's the end of the fart story and me "trying" to fart on cue. Ask Yell, she'll tell you I could.)

See? it's funny. Disgusting - but doesn't it just make you see a little bit more about me. :)