Out of shape - the signs of aging

Ok, so by now you've all heard my schpeel about getting old. I'm over it. Seriously, 27 was the "omigod, I'm so old" age for me. I heard it's 30 for most, but dammit, I want to enjoy my big 3-0 birthday.

Going on, I came back to my college town home - and I was magically transformed into college brain. By that I mean, I immediately realized I was not "toned" or "tan enough". What's worse it that I feel like I could drink like I used to.

No, I can't and there is VIDEO, thank Terminator - now I REALLY can't run for office or the PTA.

And before you think I'm exaggerating. I was a cheerleader. I used to pull my leg to my face for fun... why humans do shit like that and think its cool, I have no idea - but there I was showing my crotch to 80,000 fans thinking I was awesome.

Not so much in retrospect.




Nope, still wondering why I did that.

Anyway, so to say I was in good shape is an understatement. WELL, so I was stretching to get ready for this kickass ASS and ABS class, you know, lean this way, lean that way, pull up to the sky.....

and yup, pull the right side of my abs. stretching. it hurt. The guy was all, "all right, good stretching, let's get started" and I'm all like, "I need 100 milligrams of Motrin and a heating pad STAT!!!" It unfortunate that the only person that heard me was the devil on my shoulder who laughed and said I deserved it. Bastard.

The class started and I was like, ok, I'll work through it. The girls around me were doing it, I'm not in BAD shape - I can do this.

So I spent the whole class shaking. Involuntary muscle spasms every time I had to lift my leg. oh yeah. I was shaky McShakerson like I was in an African Dance Troupe. That was until we did this on-all-fours-lift-your-leg-thing.

Then I charlied my ass. Yup, left side went down in a ball of flames. My butt is screaming "Just let it go - SAVE YOURSELF!!!!" I'm being Sly Stallone in cliffhanger, trying to hold on for dear life while my left butt cheek is contorting into a tight ball of agony. So I did what any sane person would do and completely collapsed. Screw the girls next to me, who are looking at me like I'm the midget wrestler trying to get back into the game. I HAVE PERFECT FORM.

Whatever, so thank god that class ended and I started to Zumba. It's like a latin dancing cardio class. I was like, "yeah, I'm mexican, my hips don't lie, I'm working hard for the money, Sharkira ain't got shit on this girl - try to stop me." Until we started, then *POOF* skinny white girl with no rhythm pops out.

You: WHAT?! No....! WHAT?!?
Me: Yes.

What happened? No idea. My kick ball chain was this mess skip trip turn. No reason. I just couldn't follow the teacher. I kept looking at my friend, and I could pick it up, but the teacher. Nope. And my arms were like octopus-bird flailing stroke victim. It was horrendous to watch in the mirror yet, I couldn't stop myself. It was like watching ducks chasing enemies off their land. Squaking with all their glory. You can't help but watch.

My fancy footwork went from decent to pathetic. I felt out of sorts. Luckily, Terminator's wifey (who was with me) just laughed and didn't say much. I would have attempted a walk of shame but I probably would've messed that up too.

Ah, the feelings of getting older. Well. I'm not sore too much right now, but I have a feeling, the tightness in my rear will become rockhard tomorrow to where stairs become mountains.

Whatever, I'm staying young. I'm grabbing a pillow case and sliding down the stairs instead, AND THEN grabbing a martini. :)