All the single ladies

Ok, So there I was surrounded by almost no one.... which is what clubs look like on the outskirts of Tampa..... Anyway, I was out with my bf, my bro-in-law and two very attractive single ladies.

Ok, these ladies were feeling pretty blue and wanted to dance it out ("fuck guys, I just want to dance" - Thank you Dane Cook). I realized something... fellas, you kinda suck. I can't believe I'm writing this blog to tell you the truth but sometimes... I just wanna smack a dude.

I get that this is the animal kingdom and there are a few things that are pretty predominate in all species:

1. You can hunt in packs.
2. You go for the kill by separating one from the pack.
3. Peacocking (looking good/different will get you attention)
4. You must have a special dance/skill/smell... in order to get the female species to want you.

Personally, I think these are fairly easy to follow HOWEVER Guys are idiots or don't watch enough PBS because this is what I saw:

1. You do hunt in packs... like hyenas waiting for the cast offs. C'mon guys, buy a girl and her friend a drink. Make her feel comfortable... not like she's a piece of meat and you are waiting for some lion to hurt her self esteem enough for you to get a chance... its pathetic.

2. You only talk to a girl if she's by herself...ummm... hello, chicks congregate in packs because it's safer. YOU have to make her want to come talk to you and feel safe. You need to do the whole watching her a little (do I say stalking? perhaps in a GOOD way, not crazy Reagan shooting kind of way), and catch her at the right time, i.e. at the bar, coming back from the bathroom, having a smoke break.... etc. Let it be said, most guys are not lucky enough to get two girls at once, so stop trying. Choose one and go for it, puss.

3. Do not expect a hot girl to pay attention to you if you haven't taken care of YOUR situation. Clean shirt, shoes and a nice aftershave. AND SHAVE. Yes, 5 o'clock shadow is fine as long as its supposed to be that way. Don't dress like an idiot unless that's the kind of attention you want - you're an idiot and no girl is going to take you seriously.

Guy wearing a speedo, girl wearing a bikini:
Guy: hey what's up?
Girl: Apparently you are. Get out of my face.

And dude, you'd deserve it.

4. The treasure doesn't hunt. YOU DO. Smell good, look good (clean, respectable) and we'll notice.

Lastly, take a freakin chance and talk to a girl. We survive off of compliments and shoes.

Guy: You look really nice.
Girl: Thanks.

HOW FREAKIN EASY IS THAT?!!

Oh and backhanded compliments, while guys think this works, they are full of shit. I can do it too...

"Wow, I didn't know they made designer pants that small..."

It doesn't make anyone want to get to know you.

And while I'm on the subject.... nice guys, nice girls - you don't finish last. You just need to know what you want, and usually its each other. Bad boys/bad girls don't go for the sacrificial virgins - it's too easy. DON'T BE A PUSHOVER.

Know what you want and go for it. If you fail, do it again.

p.s. No whining. That makes you a bigger puss.