Ka-ra-o-ke

So I'm here in Melbourne.

First thing I do is go in the beautiful sun... and get burnt. Yup, the shiny white skin I've got does not do well when it hasn't seen the sun in 3 months (or more). An hour and a half and I'm burnt on both sides of my body... so me and the sun took a break from each other.

H'ok, I've got my things. Certain things that annoy the crap out of me. Bad grammar is one of them (not that I am a pro and speaking and spelling - but obvious stupid grammar mistakes just get me riled up) and spelling words all fucked up. It bothers me. Like "skillz" or "luv" - seriously, it takes two seconds to spell them correctly... Life is not a tweet, there is not a limited amount of space to express yourself. Shit, I get unlimited texting when I'm stateside just so that I DON'T have to sound like I'm in first grade. Yeah, I do it, I pay an extra $5 so that my spelling is correct. Try to judge me.

Anyway, that was a random rant, I do have a point.

I HATE when people mispronounce Japanese words. Maybe it's my upbringing, maybe I'm hoity-toity. Yes, it is a bit odd but Japanese is like the easiest language to pronounce... a i u e o, is pronounced ah, ee, oo, eh, oh. The whole damn alphabet is practically like that, just freaking add a letter. ka ki ku ke ko (kah, kee, koo, keh, koh)... HOW THE HELL can a waitress at a Japanese restaraunt pronounce nigiri (ni-gi-ri) LIKE THE COUNTRY NIGER. SERIOUSLY. YOU WORK AT A FREAKIN JAPANESE RESTARAUNT. She has single handedly offended ME, the JAPANESE, and probably the people of Niger. I tried not to listen to her butcher the rest of the Japanese food but luckily the menu had rolls with fun names like, "Casanova" and "Nemo" so that idiots like her won't make the rest of the country sound stupid.

Unless of course she pronounces it like "Kay-san-ova" or "nem - oh" in which case, I retract all these statements because she probably has a severe learning disability and calling her stupid is no longer funny. One could only hope.

Ok, going on, I went to karaoke (pronounced ka-ra-oh-keh) with my bf and his friends yesterday. It was fun. I didn't really get a chance to really talk to them - instead I made friends with my neighbors to my left who were a mix of Jamaicans and a couple of white guys... Yes, hilarity did ensue but only because I'm me and my internal monologue sometimes kills me.

1) First song of the night! I SWEAR by all for one. Yes, I swear. And one of the guys to my left sang it... he cracked a few times and then asked for another drink... I did too. I almost forgot that All-4-one existed and my life was complete. Thank you for bringing back the memories of puberty.

2) The one note wonder. He sang, "Don't you want me"... in monotone. "Don't, don't you want me" a million times with the same flat note - not as much fun as you would think... HOWEVER, it wouldn't be so weird but he also wore almost all black and had a few piercings on his face (i think) and huge ear gauges... it was an odd mix. You'd think he'd do something like beautiful people by marylin manson.... This is when I realized I was way too sober to be watching this because instead of just going with it - I stared. "No, I don't want you, in fact, I want you gone... like now, it hurts us precious"

3) I found tons of irony starting with MR. one note. Then it was topped by a terrible rendition of Stupid girl... yes, I said it some girl sang stupid girl and did it badly. Wow.

4)There were other crazy songs where I'm like, "look - that's just wrong" and there were some actual funny ones - like the guy who sang "I touch myself" - he knew he couldn't sing, he knew he was drunk, but man, he was a SHOWMAN. I would listen to him because he was just fun to watch... even though he probably could've touched himself less....

5) Lastly, someone tried to sing Sade's "smooth operator"... Yes, it was nails on a chalk board... it's called SMOOTH operator... SMOOTH... smooth.... no? You're right, let's sing this song with all sharp notes and fuck up the chorus. How? you ask.... I have NO fucking idea, but my ear drums were bleeding and I can no longer hear high octaves.... thanks. I didn't really need to use my ears anyway- I mean they were just for look... I like that my talent is the ability to do splatter paint out of my ear canal...

Another thing I noticed, is that I only judged the people who really thought they should be on American idol. I was like, I get it, you can't sing - you are having a good time (I will say Mr. One note, he was not acting like hot shit - he was just belting out what God gave him - though God is probably regretting that decision). There are some people that SERIOUSLY are like, "people like to hear me," "my mom tells me I have a fabulous voice," "I once had a solo in our high school play" blah blah blah... you sound like a goat.

There is no hope for you or Stevie Nix.

Did I sing? No
a) Not nearly drunk enough
b) I try to only torture people I love. :)

You wanna hear me sing, play rockband with me - you'll then become a pro at ear canal splatter paint.